Levinson Promotes "Adopt-A-Human" Program

Reuters, UPI, AP, FOX NEWS and the Al-Jezerra Network

Assessor Levinson to Save TOHers from “Going to the Dogs”

Hempstead, NY – While Town of Hempstead Supervisor, Kate Murray, travels throughout the township touting her Adopt-A-Pet program, the man who would be the next Supervisor, Harvey B. Levinson, has made his first promise along the campaign trail: If elected, he will initiate an Adopt-A-Human program.

Levinson, who currently serves as Nassau County’s Assessor of Taxes, unveiled his bold initiative before an enthusiastic crowd gathered under a ‘CURB YOUR DOG’ sign along Washington Street in Hempstead. “The Town has been steadily going to the dogs,” quipped Levinson, “and while Kate Murray heralds the Adopt-A-Pet program, seemingly above all else as impacts upon our quality of life as citizens of America’s largest township, deluging (if not deluding) residents with glossy flyers, cuddly TV spots, and gratuitous links to pet adoption centers, we face crisis after crisis which go virtually unaddressed.”

Accompanied by his faithful dog, Champion, Levinson asserted that he had nothing against the pet adoption program, and, in fact, lauded the Supervisor for her efforts on behalf of the stray and the helpless. “To me, nothing is more sad than seeing a homeless dog on the street, with the exception, of course, of seeing homeless families on our streets. The displaced and dispossessed who suffer interminably by reason of an entrenched system of inflated property taxes and a housing stock out of reach, and a populace hoodwinked by ‘Special District’ fiefdoms rife with patronage and a quality of life spiraling into decline. Saving pets from a life of despair is well and good,” said Levinson, “but saving residents from a Town government that, for over a generation, has been going to the dogs, has got to be the Supervisor’s number one priority!”

Meanwhile, reached at the Town of Hempstead Animal Shelter in Wantagh, a rather large Cheshire cat wrapped around her feet (and Town Clerk, Mark Bonilla at her side), Supervisor Murray denied that her administration was giving short shrift to the issues confronting the township. “When I took office, the Town had a $50 million dollar surplus. Okay, so we spent it all on flyers, brochures, TV ads and salaries for Republicans deposed from County government. So what? We’ve held the line on Town taxes. Pay no attention to those Special District taxes. Sanitation, lighting, parks, sewer, water, fire, and all the rest. They have absolutely nothing to do with the Town of Hempstead. In fact, there are no Special Districts. Its all a grand conspiracy of those left-wing pinko liberal Democrats. Lies, I tell you. Lies!”

Murray, who easily defeated her past opponents for the position of Supervisor (no one, when she was anointed by the Republican County Committee, and Democratic Town Councilwoman, Dorothy Goosby – again, no one) faces an uphill battle against the usually reserved and always strong-willed Levinson. The latest Quinnepeac Poll showed Levinson pulling ahead of both Murray and third-party candidate, Margin of Error. Based on a survey of 1254 registered voters (3 of whom described themselves as “likely to vote”), Levinson garnered 52%, Margin of Error 32%, Murray 9% and holdover candidates from the Iraqi election 7%.

“This will really be a tough race for Murray,” asserted political pundit, author and neocon d’jour Ann Coulter. “For the first time in memory, Republicans are going to have to run an incumbent Supervisor on her record.” County Republicans contend that they will be recording that record in Motown, right after the season finale of American Idol.

To thwart a potential death-blow come November, Republican strategists have borrowed the Bush White House wunderkind, Karl Rove, to run Murray’s (smear) campaign. “I see Harvey Levinson as the devil,” said Rove. “He’s the tax and spend Liberal. The Assessor. He’s BAAAAAD.” Already in the works is a made-for-television ad featuring Swift Boat captains and wolves in sheeps’ clothing. “We know just how stupid Town of Hempstead residents are,” laughed Rove. “Remember Tom Gulotta? We’re going to spend our political capital.”

Clearly worried about possibly losing their stranglehold on Town government, County Republicans are considering asking Murray to resign as Supervisor this spring, appointing in her stead someone who many party regulars consider to be a stronger candidate – George Pataki. “Their favorable ratings are about the same,” said a Town Hall insider on the condition of anonymity. “The only question is, can one carry the other’s coat?”

Levinson, taking the Town Hallers’ panic in stride, suggested that the Republicans heed the words of one of their own, Abraham Lincoln: “’You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.’ Bring it on!” To which Levinson’s dog, Champion, resoundingly retorted, “Arf, arf!”