Friday, June 01, 2007

Gary Carlton For Hempstead Town Supervisor

"I'll Moidah Da Bum," Says Carlton, Accepting The Democratic Nod

It came as kind of a shock to us outsiders when Nassau County Democratic Chair, Jay Jacobs (not related to either Judy or Norma, my wife's first cousin twice removed), announced that a virtual unkonwn, Gary Carlton, would be the party's nominee to run against Town of Hempstead Supervisor, Kate Murray (R-Levittown).

Truth be told, our first reaction at The Community Alliance was, "who the *&^%$@! is Gary Carlton?"

Then, upon further reflection, the choice made perfect sense.

Our staffers, Lulu and Buck, began to do some research on Gary Carlton. Frankly, not much on the Nassau County scene but for a failed run for Nassau County Legislature in 1999.

Then, with the help of a former reporter for the Hard Times Picayune, we discovered -- and are pleased to have the exclusive on this story -- that its not Gary Carlton of Valley Stream who hopes to conquer Kate at the polls, but rather, Gary Carlton, a/k/a Carlton Gary, the infamous Stocking Strangler -- who will face Kate in the fall classic.

The GOP, which hailed Murray as "the salvation of the Republican party" (she may not be able to walk on water, but she sure knows how to tax you for it), scoffed at Carlton's bid, calling him a "lightweight without a record."


The move to nominate Gary Carlton was one of sheer brilliance on the part of Jay Jacobs.

No record? What are you talking about?

Gary Carlton has a record as long as the list containing the names of each and every patronage hack on the payroll at Hempstead Town Hall.

In fact, let the record reflect that Gary Carlton is a man of strong convictions -- mostly for a string of serial killings -- and a record that includes arrests for robbery, arson, and assault, all before his 18th birthday!

True, Gary Carlton has never beaten a woman before -- strangled and sexually assaulted, yes, but never beaten -- though his handlers (on Georgia's Death Row) expressed every confidence that their man can take on Murray and whip her -- with her own underwear, no less.

"He's got grit, and a whole drawer full of ladies undergarments," said Euriah Butts, Deputy Warden at the Georgia State Penitentiary. "He's simply unflappable. Even a lethal injection couldn't take him down!"

Facing the prospect of a weapon of mass murder on the November ballot, Kate Murray, speaking from the Levittown middle school from which she graduated (back when social promotion was all the rage), the sitting Supervisor appeared unfazed.

"I absolutely look forward to a challenge by Gary Carlton," said Murray, downing a corned beef sandwich from the Coliseum Deli.

Asked if she was concerned about Carlton's reputation for killing the competition -- literally -- Murray scoffed, "Don't be ridiculous. No man has ever gotten my panties off, or into them, come to think of it, and no man ever will!"

The Community Alliance attempted to reach Gary Carlton in his prison cell, only to be told that he is permitted just one phone call per week, and ten minutes of fresh air a day. He had previously used this week's telephone call to get some campaign pointers from America's favorite hatchet man, Bob Dole.

We did manage to get ahold of Carlton's campaign manager, Ted Bundy (no relation to Al), who had this to say: "Kate may pull this one out at the polls, but with Gary in the race, its political suicide for her -- literally -- no matter the outcome in November."

Talk about a death match, folks. The race for Hempstead Town Supervisor is shaping up to be the one to watch, and you can be certain we'll be watching -- and reporting.
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In related news, Nassau County Democrats nominated convicted cult murderer Charles Manson to take on Nassau County Legislator Peter Schmitt (R-Massapequa). This one, clearly, is a toss up.
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NEXT UP ON THE BLOG: The Community Alliance profiles Town of Hempstead Supervisor, Kate Murray.

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