Friday, March 10, 2006

Solutions To Long Island's Problems ~ Real Simple

Long Island Survivor: The Ultimate Reality Show

Last week, The Community Alliance received the following e-mail:

Real Simple is a weekly, “life strategy” series -- based on the popular magazine of the same name – that offers viewers simple, straightforward solutions to life’s everyday problems.

We are seeking Long Island area homeowners with disorganized home office desks, medicine cabinets, pantries, under sink cabinets – small but vital parts of your life that need Real Simple solutions – to appear in upcoming segments. We are planning to be in Rockville Centre at the end of the month.

Interested parties should send photos ASAP of their house exterior, organizational nightmare and family to

Yup, Real Simple. The answer to the prayers of the organizationally challenged. Straighten the office desk, clean out the medicine chest, clear the clutter from your closet, maybe even sell all that 1950s crap you have crammed into the attic. A half hour under the glaring lights of television -- with a bit of dramatic flair to keep you glued to the set -- and voila, your pantries and undersink cabinets look like they've been visited by Hazel and Mr. Clean. Real Simple.

If only our problems here on Long Island could be so readily and summarily resolved, all within the neat confines of a half-hour television show. Maybe we don't need the intervention of either executive or legislature. Hmm. Could be all we need is a catchy reality show.

Here are a few ideas sure to "clean up" the mess on our Long Island, if only we could sell them to the networks:

Extreme Makeover: Workforce Housing Edition ~ Ty Pennington and crew descend on Nassau County, magically turning brownfields into affordable housing for Long Island's seniors and Generation Next.

Deal or No Deal ~ Long Islanders get to choose a briefcase. One contains enough money to pay property taxes. The other enough to put food on the table. The banker offers to take your house, leaving you homeless. You decide. Howie Mandel Weitzman hosts.

Lost ~ A plane crash leaves George Pataki, Sheldon Silver, and Joe Bruno stranded on a deserted Long Island, with no hope of escape until they reach agreement on the State budget. Tom Suozzi parachutes in with the fix.

Life Swap ~ A family from Long Island's Gold Coast switches places with a family from the forgotten south shore. The ultimate in culture shock.

Punk'd ~ Ashton Kutcher pranks Long Islanders into believing that their property taxes have been frozen, their roads have been fixed, and that Special taxing Districts actually save them money. Kate Murray makes a cameo appearance. Smile!

The Biggest Loser ~ Long Islanders compete to see who can pay the most in school property taxes. With so many contenders for the title, the series is expected to drag on for decades.

Growing Up Gulotta ~ The former County Executive reprises his long-running role as Nassau's chief honcho. Joe Mondello gives a compelling performance as an over-the-hill Tom Gulotta.

Big Brother ~ Dick Cheney really is watching!

The Honeymooners ~ Roger Corbin plays Ralph to Peter Schmitt's Norton. "To the moon, Lisanne."

Amish In The City ~ The Amish secretly take up residence in the Five Towns. Who knew?

I Want To Be A Hilton ~ Charles Wang laments the loss of his coliseum cum lighthouse.

Lost In Space ~ A modern-day revival of the 60s series, sans robot. The Nassau County Legislature leads an ensemble cast through misadventures in the ozone layer.

Fear Factor ~ Just the thought of living on Long Island.

Surreal Life ~ Need we say more?

So there you have it. Long Island's many crises averted. Real Simple. That's a wrap, folks.

Consult your cable listings for local programing, and, by all means, do contact Katie Kramer of Real Simple at

Learn how to build an environmentally-friendly home. Discover the only pots and pans you'll ever need. Get handy tips to organize your car. And for goodness sake, straighten out your desk, will ya? It's so messy, you can't even find that #&*$@! property tax bill!

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