The Blizzard Of 2009 In Bizzaro Land
As Long Islander's shovel out from under the weekend's snowstorm, we bring you a little levity amidst the drifts and the icicles.
A reprise of the Ode to the Murraygram of Winter's Past.
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Thursday, January 12, 2006
The Supervisor And The Snowman
Kate Murray Offers Advice For Those Who Don't Know Enough To Come In Out Of The Cold
As temperatures soar to a near 60 degrees, the Town of Hempstead may not be a winter wonderland, but who cares? Certainly, not Town Supervisor Kate Murray, who, with snowman at her side (where did she find that snowman? Nice scarf!), has lofted another snowball our way in the form of this year's first Murraygram. [Or is it the second coming of Kate, right after that piece on "We don't set the Assessment, but we'll remind you to challenge it anyway?" Who can keep count?]
Appropriately entitled, Supervisor Kate Murray's Guide to Winter Safety (this replaces last year's guide on the same topic, so if you still have that mailing, please throw it away), this hard stock (must be 100 lb. paper), not quite 8 1/2" x 11" full-color glossy, gives tips to winter-weary residents that they never in a million years would have thought of themselves. Tips such as, "limit the duration of time spent outside in the cold..." and "make sure you have enough blankets in the house..." Gee, Kate, who would have thunk it?
Astonishingly, Kate Murray's Guide leaves us shivering in what it fails to warn us about. Things like, "never stick your tongue to an aluminum flagpole when the temerature dips below 32 degrees" or "CAUTION: Hot chocolate may be hot!" Kate, you're slipping.
Of course, the Supervisor did keep her promise, freezing the Town's budget for postage at somewhere in the neighborhood of $2.1 million. Then again, with postage rates having just increased, that $2.1 million won't mail as many Murraygrams as it did last year. In fact, rumor has it that Kate will have to dip into that Highway bond fund just to send a postcard to the folks back in Levittown.
Now never mind that it is too warm for snowmen -- by the way, the snowman pictured with Kate is actually a Snow Committeeman, on payroll at Town Hall as a seasonal worker at $100 per hour. Great work if you can get it. And ignore the fact that just days after Kate's Guide to Winter Safety hit the mailboxes of some 200,000-plus homes, the same residents received the Town's mailing of the Parks and Recreation Winter/Spring Brochure -- apparently, no one thought about possibly including Kate's frostbite folly as an insert to this brochure, or placing a short blurb on page 6. [Nah. No space for that. What with Kiss Me Kate (this blogger kids you not) coming to Levittown Hall in Hicksville on May 19th as part of the Town's Performing Arts Series, who has room to publicize winter essentials like, "winterize your car..." and "stock up on ice melt..."
Please don't ask, "Couldn't the Town simply post Kate's Guide to Winter Safety online, much like its online Bicycle Safety Brochure?" We told you not to ask!
How about an Around The Town piece on winter's travails for all the local papers (been there, done that), or letting folks know that winter safety advice is only a click away? [SEE the Center for Disease Control's Extreme Cold: A Prevention Guide to Promote Your Personal Health and Safety. We found out much more than we'll ever need to know, and not a single photo of Kate!]
No, they don't think of new ways to waste the taxpayers' money at Hempstead Town Hall. They rely on all the old, time-tested methods -- man the presses and mail out another Murraygram! [You may have noticed that The Community Alliance took down its Murray-Mail-Meter shortly after last November's election. On the one hand, we figured that, with Kate's victory in hand and position of power secure, the incessant mailings would stop. On the other hand, our tote board ran out of digits. We couldn't keep up!]
Okay, so Kate can claim a mandate. Fine. Kate wanted a mandate. Heck, sources close to the Supervisor tell us (off the record) that she's needed a mandate for the longest time. Now that Kate has a mandate, maybe she'll get herself "shtuped," and stop sticking it to the taxpayers every time! [I know, I know. Residents "enjoy" being screwed by the Town of Hempstead. Got it. Don't rub it in anymore.]
This just in from Kate Murray's Blizzard Coldline: "If possible, limit travel during inclement weather."
We think Kate & Kompany need to expand their horizons beyond the dangers of winter doldrums. Here are a few suggestions, free of charge (with no postage due) from The Community Alliance, for future Murraygrams:
Kate Murray's Guide to Kitchen Safety -- "Never hold a knife by the blade."
Kate Murray's Guide to Bathtub Safety -- "If possible, do not bathe with electric toasters."
Kate Murray's Guide to Japanese Steakhouse Safety -- "Do not let the chef toss a shrimp at you. It may cause a fatal heart attack and lead to frivilous lawsuits."
And then there's the one that is sure to be a hit on HBO, Kate Murray's Guide to The Universe (hitchhiker not included). "Never attempt space travel without a space ship -- or in the event of inclement weather."
Maybe Kate should forget about the Murraygrams altogether. She's already set her sights higher, with a possible run for County Executive in the offing. Kate for Kounty Exec? Sure. Why should Town of Hempstead residents suffer alone? We can all share the joy of the Murraygrams in our mailboxes.
We can see it now. Mondello taps Murray to run for Nassau County Executive on the GOP line. [Much like Max Bialistock convincing Roger Elizabeth Devry to direct Springtime for Hitler.] Mondello will also ask Roger Corbin to run for the job on the Dem line -- all in the interest of bipartisan cooperation, of course. And yours truly will launch a write-in campaign for Governor -- not of New York, mind you, but of a small, hurricane-ravaged state in southeastern Mexico, known ostensibly as home of the floating gardens of Kaopectate. [This blogger meets today with the editorial board at Hoy, seeking their endorsement!]
Okay, gotta run. Just found yet another Murray missive between the doors -- now they're being delivered by Ed McMahon and the Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol (you may already be a loser -- pay up!). Hmmm. What's this? Kate Murray's Guide to The Eternal Darkness of the Voter's Mind -- "It is also a good idea to have a flashlight (and batteries)..." Now why didn't we think of that?