The Man Who Would Be King

KingDome, USA

Some e-mails are themselves worthy of blogs. This one made the rounds, circling Long Island, if not the globe, finding it's way back to The Community Alliance...

Special to The Community Alliance (via Aljezzera). Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf (formerly known as "Baghdad Bob") and Mike Deery (Director of Communications and Public Affairs for the Town of Hempstead) contributed to this story.

Washington, DC. -- Today, Committee on Homeland Security Chairman Peter T. King (R-NY) introduced a failsafe Immigration Reform Bill in the House of Representatives, designed to end the stalemate between Congressional Republicans and Democrats that has stalled efforts to "keep America American."

"There is no question that foreigners, who invade our shores without documentation, are ruining this country," said an emphatic King. "They're taking away decent jobs from regular Americans, like dishwashers, gardeners, and grape-pickers, and they pose an imminent threat to our nation's security. It is simply unAmerican to have huddled masses yearning to be free foisted upon our homeland while no born and bred American enjoys true freedom here at home. The time has come to close the golden door -- no one gets in, no one gets out!"

King's plan, already endorsed by the American Family Association and Bill O'Reilly, calls for the construction not of a steel wall along the border with Mexico, but rather, the building of walls around the entire perimeter of the United States, with a retractable dome atop.

"I call it the 'KingDome,'" said the smug representative from New York's 3rd Congressional District. "We secure our borders by having every person who enters or leaves our country pass through metal detectors at impenetrable gates, and then we can open the roof for pre-screened air traffic. No more of these 'homeless, tempest-tost' for this great nation."

"There is precedent for a domed stadium," clucked King. "The Astrodome. The Skydome. Enron Field, ah, er, I mean, Minute Maid Park. They're all secure environments. Americans, Si. Immigrants, No!"

When asked about the Louisiana Superdome, which failed to stand up to the wrath of Hurricane Katrina, King opined: "Those crawfish-eating, cotton-picking, bourbon-drinking sons of illegal immigrant slaves got what they deserved. All the REAL Americans got out of New Orleans safely!"

As Pete King draped himself in the American flag -- wielding documents that he claims evidence his ancestors' arrival on the Mayflower -- immigrants, civil rights activists, and folks who have actually visited the Statue of Liberty gathered around the nation -- in numbers not seen since the Vietnam era -- to protest Congressional efforts to tighten our borders and put the squeeze on undocumented workers.

Our ace reporter, Eastbrook Van Westbrook, interviewed one such protestor, speaking on condition of anonymity and identified only as Jose Flores Sandoval Rodriguez Juarez Bolivar Goldberg of 123 Main Street, Apartment 3B, Farmingville, outside of King's District Office on Long Island.

Westbrook: What do you think of the proposal to criminalize those who render aid of any kind to immigrants?
Goldberg: It's an affront to the dignity of every hardworking immigrant who has ever come to America to build a better life for himself and his family. We are all the children and grandchildren of immigrants. We are a nation of immigrants -- and of terrorist cells, who enter this country with complete documentation and the full knowledge and consent of the American government.
Westbrook: With all the talk of building a wall along the southern border of the United States, it must be particularly hard on you as a Mexican.
Goldberg: Mexican? Who's Mexican? I'm Puerto Rican!

Meanwhile, in related news, Native Americans representing 132 tribes gathered at their annual convention in Cleveland, where plans were underway to take back Manhattan Island from "those fakactah illegal immigrants who stole Manhattan in the first place."

"Forget reparations," the Chief of the Iroquois Tribe told fellow redskins of the Five Nations as gathered at Jacobs Field. "Anyone not recognized as 'Native American' -- on college applications, and otherwise -- is in OUR nation unlawfully. They get out. We get Manhattan -- and fifty Indian-run casinos in locations to be named later (so take that, Sheldon Silver)!"