Friday, November 10, 2006

Hempstead Town Welcomes Don Rumsfeld

Former Defense Secretary To Direct Planning & Development At Town Of Hempstead

Remember, you read it first on The Community Alliance blog. . .

Hempstead, New York -- Donald Rumsfeld, the embattled and soon to be former Secretary of Defense in the Bush administration, won't be out of work for long, at least according to reliable sources at Hempstead Town Hall.

Rumsfeld, the chief architect of and now fall-guy for the war in Iraq, is reported to have accepted a position as head of the Town of Hempstead's Department of Planning & Economic Development, presumably courted by Joe Mondello and the Nassau County GOP to "stay the course" in Hempstead Town for the next 100 years.

Reached for comment at the Coliseum Deli, Town of Hempstead Supervisor, Kate "the Mailinator" Murray, would neither confirm nor deny the reports, saying only, "Don Rumsfeld is a great American, and the Town of Hempstead is a great place to live and raise a family. We'd be fortunate to have Don Rumsfeld working with us to make the Town an even better place to live. Besides, he's been a terrific Receiver of Taxes, hasn't he?"

Reminded that the Town Receiver of Taxes is Don "Bulldog" Clavin, the Supervisor backpeddled, "Well, ah, taxes, terrorists, no matter. Two Dons are better than one, right?"

News12 political analyst Jerry Kremer offered his take on the likely Rumsfeld incursion into Hempstead Town.

"The Town of Hempstead, where elephants go to die after resigning from or being booted out of public office, is perhaps the best place for someone like Donald Rumsfeld to ply his trade," said Kremer. "The man is clearly one of the best strategists the Republicans have, and if he can keep the GOP in Hempstead Town Hall half as long as he planned to keep American troops in Iraq, it would be a win-win for Republicans in a township where, by sheer numbers, their ranks are dwindling."

Rumsfeld himself would not comment on any possible move to Hempstead Town, his spokesman, Iraqi media wiz and former Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, saying only that "Mr. Rumsfeld fully intends to stay on as Secretary of Defense for the duration of President Bush's term. Rumors as to his resignation are all lies. There are no American troops in Iraq. And as for the Democrats taking control of Congress, 'God will roast their stomachs in hell' at the hands of the GOP."

In a Town where appointment by political favoritism and patronage has long-trumped the meritocracy that a democratic form of government requires, the broader, national issues that "thumped" the GOP in the recent elections -- and even the dysfunction of Albany -- seemed a world away.

As Anthony Santino, a Town of Hempstead Councilman and spokesman for both the Nassau County GOP and the makers of Marshmallow Fluff, was quick to point out, "Town (of Hempstead) residents enjoy paying more for garbage collection than for police protection; they support legislators in Albany whose names they recognize, even if it means higher property taxes and inequitable school funding; and they'd continue to vote Republican even if pulling that lever would send a jolt of 20,000 volts through their bodies. Hey, its a way of life. We have the suckers, er, ah, voters trained well."

Don Rumsfeld is expected to assume his new position at the Town of Hempstead -- or at least to be paid for the job, whether or not he actually shows -- come January 1.

"He'll have an office on the 4th floor at Town Hall, close to the Supervisor's," said a GOP insider, speaking on condition of anonymity outside the headquarters of Sanitary District 6 (where, for reasons still unknown, the flag has flown at half-staff since the results of Tuesday's elections filtered in). "I understand his people are already measuring the curtains."

"Yesterday Baghdad, tomorrow Baldwin," he said. "What could be better than that?"

What could be better, indeed. . .
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Next up: Vice President Dick Cheney goes hunting on the Hempstead Plains. Mistakes Nassau County Legislator Dave Mejias for a quail. A "lame duck" hunt, anyone?

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