Thursday, December 06, 2007

Just In Time For Christmas

The Kate Murray Inaction Figure*
Think nothing's changed in Hempstead Town in more than 100 years? You're absolutely right, and we have the toys to prove it.

Yes, for the first time on the web (never on cable or even as seen on TV), the answer to coal in that stocking, the Kate Murray Inaction Figure* can now be yours.

Twist her, and she doesn't bend.

Push her, and she doesn't move.

Prod her like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and, well, not so much as a giggle.

But place the Kate Murray Inaction Figure* in front of a camera, and watch that effervescent smile appear.

Pull the string on Kate's back (Joe Mondello not included), and delight to one of hundreds of stock phrases like, "I'll blight your community. And your little dog, too!", and "I absolutely blame Harvey Levinson and the reassessment, for everything."

How much would you pay to own a Kate Murray Inaction Figure*? One hundred dollars? Two Hundred Dollars? More?

No, boys and misogynists, here at the Town Hall Toy Company & Sausage Recycling Plant (Joseph Ra, Proprietor), we're offering to "freeze" prices as they were in 2005, bringing you the Kate Murray Inaction Figure* for the incredibly low price of $59.99 ($79.99 in Sanitary District 1), plus applicable property taxes, fees, and licenses.

But that's not all...

Call within the next ten minutes and get not one, but two Kate Murray Inaction Figures* (Town Board sold seperately), at no additional cost (except in the township's unincorporated areas, where shipping and handling -- by no less than 6 commissioners -- is extra).

Wait, there's more...

The first 500 callers will receive a 9' x 12' map, suitable for framing, showing all blighted areas in the Town of Hempstead. This authentic map (relief map no longer available) details every study, every condemnation, every urban renewal plan, every promise ever broken by the Supervisor or conceived by the Town's Office of Economic Development, and is embossed with the official stamp of approval of the Town's Zoning Board of Appeals, signed by none other than Katuria D'Amato.

Yes, not one, but TWO Kate Murray Inaction Figures*, a 9' x 12' Blight Map, authenticated and signed, and -- for a limited time only -- the new Tony Santino workout book, You'll Gladly Pay Twice As Much, all for $99.99 -- er, ah, yeah, that's right, $199.99

Folks, we've broken the mold (except for Archstone residents). Once the Kate Murray Inaction Figures* are gone, that's it. No more. Goodbye. See ya.

Don't be fooled by cheap imitations or skinny replicas. There's only one original Kate Murray Inaction Figure* -- the one with the smile on her face and the Coliseum Deli sandwich in her back pocket.

The Kate Murray Inaction Figure*. Dissected on Wall Street. Run over by sanitation trucks on Main Street.

Call now to place your order. MURRAY HILL 7 - 0h -700. That's MU7-0700. GOP Committeemen are standing by.

Kids, don't even bother to ask mom or dad. Just take the credit cards out of their wallets or make those checks payable to Donald X. Clavin, Jr., Recever of Taxes, and the Kate Murray Inaction Figure*, dressed in red blazer, with all attendant baggage, will be on her way to your door faster than you can say "Victorian-style street lamp."

"Its going to be a blightfully wonderful Christmas in Hempstead Town," says Kate Claus. "With a Kate Murray Inaction Figure* under every tree, we're gonna make this holiday season even better!"

*WARNING: Small parts (notably, the head) on the Kate Murray Inaction Figure may break away, posing a choking hazard to children and homeowners over the age of 18. The Kate Murray Inaction Figure is manufactured in China (no charge for the lead paint), under the strict (well, sorta) supervision of Inspectors from the Town of Hempstead Building Department.

Void where prohibited by law or reason. Offer not valid in Elmont, New York or Passaic, New Jersey. Supplies are limited. Kate Murray Inaction Figure sold by weight, not by volume. Content may have settled, or relocated to a McMansion, during shipping.


  1. But wait - The inaction doll does have one action, it can give itself a raise.

  2. I would like to buy a Kate Murray inaction doll for my kids. I know they aren't available in the Elmont area. Could you please explain why Elmont has been left out of this great deal? Haven't we been left out the same as every other community in the TOH?

    Could I buy the doll simply by visiting the town? No one will ever know that I was in the building. Are they still located within Nassau County? It seems every time I call nothing gets done.

    I would like to buy the doll for Christmas and tell my children the story of the inaction by the town supervisor. I want to tell my children of the many promises and lack of code enforcement. I would like to tell my children of all the wonderful places we once had here in Elmont. I would like my children to know the true meaning of a Town that exists but really doesn't exist. You will see pictures but they are meaningless.

    I would like for my educated young adult children to make an informed decision like other educated young adults who have left Long Island.

    Can I buy the doll on QVC? Do I need a permit to get one?

    Please let me know, as Christmas is almost here and we are still waiting in Elmont.

  3. Inaction? I thought the residents of West Hempstead had cornered the market on inaction by the town of Hempstead and its little miss sunshine of a supervisor.

    Certainly, no where is the town's inaction more prevelant than just west of Hempstead Town Hall.

    I'll take 8! We can have our own town board full of inaction figures.

  4. a franchise in west hempstead?Thursday, December 06, 2007 3:38:00 PM

    I’d like to be one of the first West Hempstead residents to order, but I must be assured that the figure will try to stand straight up and not crumble or fall to the urban planned pavement each time my family toys with her.

    The inaction figure looks very out of shape, but will it also be soft enough to use as a pin cushion? I need to mend my torn tax budget wallet. If not, then I may have to throw the inaction figure away into a Sanitation District 6 trash receptacle, but that may not be possible since the figure has been recalled (returned) to office in an action of colossal voter apathy.

    Still, send the figure to me anyway. I may have use for it. Advanced polypropylenes do burn very hot and it would provide great starter kindling for someone who wishes to carry my inaction figure with them on the way to visit the Courtesy Hotel late one night.

  5. Consumer Product Safety CommissionFriday, December 07, 2007 9:39:00 AM

    No, your Kate Murray Inaction Figure is NOT broken or otherwise defective.

    Its supposed to just sit there and do absolutely nothing!

  6. the real friends of harvey LevinsonFriday, December 07, 2007 9:46:00 AM

    Harvey, you can now have your revenge!

    We're buying you a whole set of Kate Murray Inaction Figures (collect all eight) for Hannukah, so you can finally "beat" Kate Murray -- each and every night.

    Pull off her chubby arms. Squeeze her tiny little head. Stomp on that plump derriere. Just try not to dirty the carpets.

    Oh, and every time you pull that string on Kate's back and hear the words, "I blame it all on Harvey Levinson," hold her under the water in your toilet bowl, and praise to the high your local water district.

  7. Just got my Kate Murray Inaction Figure.

    I think there's something wrong with this one. I keep pulling the string on Kate's backside, and all she says is stuff like, "Feed me, Seymour. Feed me now!"

    She seems to have a favorite phrase that repeats itself over and over and over again. Something like, "Ray Mineo, be a dear and grab me a ham sandwich, will ya?"

    Gotta love it. Everyone should have a Kate Murray Inaction Figure of his or her very own.