Think nothing's changed in Hempstead Town in more than 100 years? You're absolutely right, and we have the toys to prove it.
Yes, for the first time on the web (never on cable or even as seen on TV), the answer to coal in that stocking, the Kate Murray Inaction Figure* can now be yours.Twist her, and she doesn't bend.
Push her, and she doesn't move.
Prod her like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and, well, not so much as a giggle.
But place the Kate Murray Inaction Figure* in front of a camera, and watch that effervescent smile appear.
Pull the string on Kate's back (Joe Mondello not included), and delight to one of hundreds of stock phrases like, "I'll blight your community. And your little dog, too!", and "I absolutely blame Harvey Levinson and the reassessment, for everything."
How much would you pay to own a Kate Murray Inaction Figure*? One hundred dollars? Two Hundred Dollars? More?
No, boys and misogynists, here at the Town Hall Toy Company & Sausage Recycling Plant (Joseph Ra, Proprietor), we're offering to "freeze" prices as they were in 2005, bringing you the Kate Murray Inaction Figure* for the incredibly low price of $59.99 ($79.99 in Sanitary District 1), plus applicable property taxes, fees, and licenses.
But that's not all...
Call within the next ten minutes and get not one, but two Kate Murray Inaction Figures* (Town Board sold seperately), at no additional cost (except in the township's unincorporated areas, where shipping and handling -- by no less than 6 commissioners -- is extra).
Wait, there's more...
The first 500 callers will receive a 9' x 12' map, suitable for framing, showing all blighted areas in the Town of Hempstead. This authentic map (relief map no longer available) details every study, every condemnation, every urban renewal plan, every promise ever broken by the Supervisor or conceived by the Town's Office of Economic Development, and is embossed with the official stamp of approval of the Town's Zoning Board of Appeals, signed by none other than Katuria D'Amato.
Yes, not one, but TWO Kate Murray Inaction Figures*, a 9' x 12' Blight Map, authenticated and signed, and -- for a limited time only -- the new Tony Santino workout book, You'll Gladly Pay Twice As Much, all for $99.99 -- er, ah, yeah, that's right, $199.99
Folks, we've broken the mold (except for Archstone residents). Once the Kate Murray Inaction Figures* are gone, that's it. No more. Goodbye. See ya.
Don't be fooled by cheap imitations or skinny replicas. There's only one original Kate Murray Inaction Figure* -- the one with the smile on her face and the Coliseum Deli sandwich in her back pocket.
The Kate Murray Inaction Figure*. Dissected on Wall Street. Run over by sanitation trucks on Main Street.
Call now to place your order. MURRAY HILL 7 - 0h -700. That's MU7-0700. GOP Committeemen are standing by.
Kids, don't even bother to ask mom or dad. Just take the credit cards out of their wallets or make those checks payable to Donald X. Clavin, Jr., Recever of Taxes, and the Kate Murray Inaction Figure*, dressed in red blazer, with all attendant baggage, will be on her way to your door faster than you can say "Victorian-style street lamp."
"Its going to be a blightfully wonderful Christmas in Hempstead Town," says Kate Claus. "With a Kate Murray Inaction Figure* under every tree, we're gonna make this holiday season even better!"
*WARNING: Small parts (notably, the head) on the Kate Murray Inaction Figure may break away, posing a choking hazard to children and homeowners over the age of 18. The Kate Murray Inaction Figure is manufactured in China (no charge for the lead paint), under the strict (well, sorta) supervision of Inspectors from the Town of Hempstead Building Department.
Void where prohibited by law or reason. Offer not valid in Elmont, New York or Passaic, New Jersey. Supplies are limited. Kate Murray Inaction Figure sold by weight, not by volume. Content may have settled, or relocated to a McMansion, during shipping.