Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Paterson Taps Palin For Lieutenant Governor

Palin Sworn In At 12:01; Resigns At 12:15

In a move designed to push the NYS Senate stalemate toward resolution, Governor David Paterson, citing a little known provision of the Public Officers Law, appointed soon to be former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, to be the Lieutenant Governor of New York.

Shortly before noon, the Governor, with Palin, in waders, at his side, made the announcement, hailing Palin as the next Kirsten Gillibrand.

Palin then took the oath of office, administered by Sean Hannity of Faux News, on a stack of cod, various family members -- including son, Trig, and cousins Algebra and Geometry -- looking on.

The move to appoint a Lieutenant Governor, who, in the event of a tie in the State Senate (as in 31-31), can vote to break point, would also effectively deny rogue Senator Pedro Espada the governorship, should Paterson become incapacitated (further incapacitated?), leave the State, or, like Spitzer before him, resign his office.

After the swearing in ceremony, Hannity, who also serves as the president of the Sarah's Our Savior Club, called the new Lieutenant Governor "a leader for the 22nd Century."

"Like a salmon swimming upstream," said Hannity, "Sarah has proven that she has both courage and tenacity, not following the crowd, but making her own way through murky waters. She knows where all the fish are buried."

Moments later, in a hastily called news conference held in front of the Legal Seafoods restaurant -- or was it Long John Silvers? -- somewhere in Guilderland (or was it Neverland?), Palin, with less than 15 minutes of fame under her belt a heartbeat away from the Governor's mansion, surprised absolutely no one, announcing -- in true Palin form [that would be, rambling incoherence with the inability to string two words together to form a complete sentence], announced her resignation from the post.

"I believe its in the best interest of New York," chortled the former GOP nominee for VP, still considered by some (mostly those confined to mental institutions) as a presidential prospect in 2012, "that I resign as Lieutenant Governor so that I may lead New York, tackling the issues head on from outside of government, where, like a sea bass on a line and sinker, I can get caught in a net, helping folks to understand that, no, I am not a quiter -- 'cause I can't even spell that -- but rather, a quilter, of many fish, who, swimming through the great Alaska pipeline while playing basketball, 'cause I know my analogies, will cross that bridge to nowhere, with my God-fearing family at my side, in and out of wedlock, four 'yes's' and one 'hell yeah,' and, to paraphrase Richard Nixon during Watergate, 'cause fish live in water, and God gave us energy, 'I am not a kook!'"

"I never saw that coming," exclaimed a shocked David Paterson.

In his morning radio tirade, Rush Limbaugh, the presumptive head of the Republican Party, praised Palin.

"She never ceases to amaze me," chuckled the fat prince of thin air. "A multitasker, the likes of which we've never seen before. Who else, within a matter of days, could quit two national posts, not for higher office, but to be closer to real people, her family, her God, and all the pike and sturgeon one could fish for? If only that quiter in the White House, Hussein what's-his-name, would follow her lead. She'll make a great president. For a day. Then she'll resign. Because that's leadership we can count on. How refreshing."

Meanwhile, back in Albany, Pedro Espada breathed a sigh of relief. Sounding a bit like Peter Lorre, Espada proclaimed (translated from the Spanish):

"I am still next in line to become Governor. If Paterson could see me now, a Conquistador hoisted to the pinnacle of success, on the precipice of greatness, by the graces of those old, white men -- my friends and allies in the GOP -- he'd surely keel over and die. Hey, David, come see me now!"

As for Sarah Palin, those close too her [but not too close. Man, those fish really stink, don't they?], have intimated that the former Lieutenant Governor will fill in for the recently departed Michael Jackson on what would have been his comeback tour.

"They can call her "the thriller from Wasilla," said her newly appointed spokeswoman, Amelia Earhart. "So just beat it!"

Asked when she though the New York State Senate would get back to work, Palin opined, "I wish I could predict the next fish run, let alone when those fish heads are gonna get down to business. They should be fighters, like I am."

Yes, fighters, like Sarah Palin. If only those faux fighters in Albany would follow her lead. Advancing the cause of democracy, for the betterment of community, by uttering those immortal words, "I quit!"
- - -
Film tonight, at 11, preceding David Letterman.

1 comment:

  1. When she accepted the VP nomination, she knew she needed to bring her professional game up to another level, she never did. She knew that her family would get attacked as did Hilary and Chelsea before her (by even her twin maverick brother McCain in 1998), let face it she knew her family affairs would come out. But now she plays the victim card again, a card she played after those comical first extended interviews that we all enjoyed and SNL immortalized. But for the icing on the cake, she quits, because she does not want to be a lame duck governor, because the lawsuits keep coming, because it was the media’s fault, because seeing Russia from her house finally got to her, because its not fair that Alaskan’s paid her salary while she was running for the VP position, take your pick. So what does she tells us? Dear Mr. President, when things get tough, quit. Dear military men and women, if you are not having fun, quit. Dear son or daughter, if things are not going your way, quit. Sure, I agree when she first was introduced and gave a descent speech, sure the polls went up, but after the extended interviews, they went where they ended, down. She showed her true character, I real hope the book deal, Radio/ TV shows and the lecture circuits make up for what her party has lost by her actions. She may go down in history as the quitter that twittered.