Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Town Of Hempstead Launches "Adopt-A-Murray" Program

"Summer of True Love." Adopt-A-Murray of Your Very Own.

ADOPTABLE KATE VISITS TOWN HALL: Hempstead Town Supervisor Kate Murray (center?) greets John and Maria Ninivaggi of Seaford as they meet an adoptable pet in the lobby of Town Hall in Hempstead. Animals from the Town of Hempstead Animal Shelter were brought to Town Hall for on-site adoptions as part of the Town’s Summer Pet Adoption Program.

In an effort to increase awareness of Supervisor Kate Murray among Town residents who may not know that smiling face, the Town of Hempstead has initiated an "Adopt-A-Murray" program, to run now through November 8th.

"We think folks will really warm up to the idea of having a Murray in their houses," said program coordinator and Counsel to Sanitary District 1, Nathaniel Swergold. "In fact, the Town will be adding on extra trucks during the Labor Day holiday to bring these adorable, cuddly Kates to more than 200,000 Town of Hempstead homeowners."

"Folks have told me that they would willingly pay twice as much in taxes to have a little kitty Kate underfoot," declared Town Councilman, Anthony Santino. "They are like tiny cherubs. I'm adopting two myself."

The adoptable Murrays, recognizable by their effervescent, Cheshire cat-like smiles, are expected to be readily available for adoption come the fall. "We're churning 'em out of the breeding mill in Westbury just as fast as we can," chimed an enthusiastic Joe Mondello. "They're so adorable, aren't they? You just want to squeeze one so tight you loose circulation in your hands and can't feel your wallet anymore."

The Adopt-A-Murray program did hit an early snag when efforts to mail the Murrays to every Town of Hempstead household were thwarted by the United State Postal Service. "We have issues when it comes to transporting live pets through the mail, especially under official seal of the township," said a spokesman for the Postal Service, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Taking issue with the Postal Service's contention that "this is way beyond the capability of Parcel Post," Town spokesman Mike Deery told reporters that he didn't see the mailing of the Murrays as problematic, either for the Post Office or for TOH taxpayers. "How much could it possibly cost to mail a Murray?," queried a bemused Deery. "I figure 12 cents each, max."

Residents who choose to adopt a Murray will be provided with a complimentary litter box - a Town of Hempstead in miniature, complete with scale Sanitary District trucks to pick up after the pet. "A Murray in every Mansion. A Kate in every Kitchen. That's our goal," said Town Attorney Joe Ra, who has been designated as Counsel to the Adopt-A-Murray program. "Sure, she may claw at your furniture, cozy up to the tenants living in the basement apartment, and raid the fridge after you've gone to bed, but once you get to know your pet Kate, you'll love everything about her. Who could resist that smile, after all?"

Not everyone is as enamored with the prospect of smiling Kates proliferating in the Town of Hempstead. Harvey Levinson, candidate for Town Supervisor, sees the Adopt-A-Murray program as just another duplicitous ploy of a sputtering political machine. "This is the old bait and switch game," said Levinson. "The Town mails you a color photo of a smiling, charming Kate Murray, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and you're hooked. Then comes the real deal - a pet Murray at your doorstep, hissing, chomping at the bit, demanding to be obeyed. And you're stuck footing the bill for a million Murrays let loose on the streets of Hempstead Town by irate taxpayers."

Levinson has unveiled a program of his own to counter the kitsch Kates - an amusement arcade game featuring pop up Kates, lovingly referred to as Whack-A-Murray. Demonstrating, rubber mallet in hand, Levinson matter-of-factly beat each Murray back into the hole as they popped their grinning heads to the surface. "If you win enough tickets whacking Murrays," chuckled Levinson, "you can collect the entire Town Board!"

Meanwhile, officials at the Nassau County Department of health delicately pondered how to handle the possible abandonment of thousands of pet Murrays. "Yeah, they're cute now," said Commissioner David M. Ackman. "Wait until they've grown a bit, its the dead of winter, you have to trudge with your Murray through the sand in the street, and she has eaten and taxed you out of house and home. Then its not fun and games anymore."

Unfazed by the scuttlebutt, the Adopt-A-Murray team has kicked off the season, offering free shots (for the pet owners, not the Murrays), but no spaying. "Spaying?," laughed Mike Deery. You can't possibly mate a Murray. They're all test-tube grown at GOP Headquarters."

To find out more about the Adopt-A-Murray program, or to take home a Kate of your very own, call the Adopt-A-Murray Petline at 516-489-6000. Tell them The Community Alliance sent you!

No comments:

Post a Comment