A Tax Plan To End All Tax Plans

The Community Alliance Announces Plan To Eliminate All Property Taxes*

After an exhaustive, 2 1/2 hour study -- during which experts from around the nation (among them Harriet Miers, Moe Howard and Pat Paulsen) convened to brainstorm the issue -- The Community Alliance has formulated a penultimate plan (apocalypse being the ultimate) that will eliminate all property taxes in Nassau County.*

If adopted, School, County and Town* property taxes will be phased out - 20% each year over the next 5 years - until residents* are free of the burden entirely.

To make up for the drastic shortfall in revenues lost by the elimination of property taxes,* estimated to be in the billions, without a corresponding increase in income taxes, The Community Alliance has taken a novel -- yet certainly not unprecedented -- approach: increase property taxes for Town of Hempstead residents four fold each year - maybe more, if they take a liking to it.

The plan, dubbed "Stick It To Hempstead Town - They'll Pay For Anything... Twice," was quickly endorsed by Nassau County Executive Tom Suozzi.

"Absolutely brillant," declared Suozzi. "If only Harvey Levinson had proposed higher property taxes, more cronyism, and $700 steak dinners for every registered Republican, he would have taken the Town by storm."

Reached for comment at the Coliseum Deli, Hempstead Town Supervisor Kate Murray was quick to embrace the plan. "This will give taxpayers in Hempstead Town the opportunity to employ additional Committeeman at the over 300 new taxing jurisdictions I intend to create," said a smiling Murray. "We will never have to increase existing taxes -- just set up another Special District, tell residents its good for them, establish a tax rate, and 'freeze' it. Then do it all over again the next day."

"Think of it," said Town Councilman Tony Santino, who was tapped by Murray to administer the plan in Hempstead Town. "Its ingenius. If people enjoy paying three or four times as much to have their trash picked up in the Sanitary Districts, imagine how ecstatic they'll be when they're paying thousands more for Salad Dressing Districts, Light & Lively Yogurt Districts, No Turn On Red Districts, Pothole Districts, Support Your Local Animal Shelter Districts. Man, the possibilities are endless!"

"Damn," blurted Nat Swergold, the recently named Special Counsel for the newly formed Murray Mailgram District 1, "we're gonna have to add hundreds of additional trucks next Passover. I can hardly wait."

"Yes," said Jeffrey Katz -- the Democrat turned Republican, Liberal yet Conservative, Orthodox but "I'll try the Shrimp with Lobster Sauce if it will get me your vote," fact-challenged contender for Jeff Toback's seat in the County Legislature -- "Now we can finally establish that We Were All Jewish In The Beginning District I've been yearning for!"

Asked if Town of Hempstead residents might not be a wee bit infuriated about having to cover School, Town and Special District taxes for the entire County, Town Attorney Joe Ra -- who will soon be designated as Commissioner (1 of 100 such Commissioners -- this week) of the Richie Kessel 'Cause I'm Big Enough To Be My Own District District -- had this to say: "Look, we increase taxes at the Town every year. Sometimes we call it a 'bond.' Other times, we up the tax and figure no one will notice those 'plus' signs on their tax statements. Maybe they're crosses. Its a religious thing. Folks pay good money for religion these days. Anyway, we pad a little here, fudge a little there, cut back a bit more on Code enforcement, zoning regulation, and street sign replacement, and, voila, they're paying $100,000 a year in property taxes, eating cat food, wearing the same dirty skivvies day in and day out, and loving every minute of it!"

Okay, but won't they eventually figure out that they've been had? "Hey," retorted Ra, "We screw our constituents royally, literally giving it to them by the numbers. The opposition discloses every foible, runaway mismanagement, nonexistent oversight, and millions of taxpayer dollars thrown out the window for postage, patronage and playing the public for patsies. Every paper in town -- save the Richner publications (thanks guys, that tax abatement for your new Garden City headquarters is on us) -- lambasts us and endorses the other guy, and still 96,146 residents (well, 146 were residents. The others were bused in from the New Orleans Superdome) voted for Kate Murray."

Sure, treat 'em like dirt and make 'em pay through the gills for it. They'd protest by the thousands on the Mall in D.C. Hold sit-ins at college campuses across the country. Why, in France, they'd burn every car with a Le Murray bumper sticker on it. But not in Hempstead Town. No siree. We take all they can dish out, then ask where we can send the check. [Please make checks payable to Donald X. Clavin, Jr., Receiver of Taxes. Cash may be dropped off at your local Sanitary District for distribution to the party faithful.]

96,000 some odd (mostly odd? Okay, face it, they're completely odd) voters cast ballots in Hempstead Town to keep the party going. Here's to the next 100 years, fellas.

"Do you think if we really try to ignore the problems that plague America's largest township, while continuing to pile on the taxes, feigning no 'control,' sending out those 8 1/2 by 11 glossies, and smiling for the cameras, we can get 100,000 votes next time?"

We wouldn't be at all surprised!

*Except in the Town of Hempstead, or where otherwise prohibited by the gross stupidity of its residents.