Friday, November 11, 2005

A Tax Plan To End All Tax Plans

The Community Alliance Announces Plan To Eliminate All Property Taxes*

After an exhaustive, 2 1/2 hour study -- during which experts from around the nation (among them Harriet Miers, Moe Howard and Pat Paulsen) convened to brainstorm the issue -- The Community Alliance has formulated a penultimate plan (apocalypse being the ultimate) that will eliminate all property taxes in Nassau County.*

If adopted, School, County and Town* property taxes will be phased out - 20% each year over the next 5 years - until residents* are free of the burden entirely.

To make up for the drastic shortfall in revenues lost by the elimination of property taxes,* estimated to be in the billions, without a corresponding increase in income taxes, The Community Alliance has taken a novel -- yet certainly not unprecedented -- approach: increase property taxes for Town of Hempstead residents four fold each year - maybe more, if they take a liking to it.

The plan, dubbed "Stick It To Hempstead Town - They'll Pay For Anything... Twice," was quickly endorsed by Nassau County Executive Tom Suozzi.

"Absolutely brillant," declared Suozzi. "If only Harvey Levinson had proposed higher property taxes, more cronyism, and $700 steak dinners for every registered Republican, he would have taken the Town by storm."

Reached for comment at the Coliseum Deli, Hempstead Town Supervisor Kate Murray was quick to embrace the plan. "This will give taxpayers in Hempstead Town the opportunity to employ additional Committeeman at the over 300 new taxing jurisdictions I intend to create," said a smiling Murray. "We will never have to increase existing taxes -- just set up another Special District, tell residents its good for them, establish a tax rate, and 'freeze' it. Then do it all over again the next day."

"Think of it," said Town Councilman Tony Santino, who was tapped by Murray to administer the plan in Hempstead Town. "Its ingenius. If people enjoy paying three or four times as much to have their trash picked up in the Sanitary Districts, imagine how ecstatic they'll be when they're paying thousands more for Salad Dressing Districts, Light & Lively Yogurt Districts, No Turn On Red Districts, Pothole Districts, Support Your Local Animal Shelter Districts. Man, the possibilities are endless!"

"Damn," blurted Nat Swergold, the recently named Special Counsel for the newly formed Murray Mailgram District 1, "we're gonna have to add hundreds of additional trucks next Passover. I can hardly wait."

"Yes," said Jeffrey Katz -- the Democrat turned Republican, Liberal yet Conservative, Orthodox but "I'll try the Shrimp with Lobster Sauce if it will get me your vote," fact-challenged contender for Jeff Toback's seat in the County Legislature -- "Now we can finally establish that We Were All Jewish In The Beginning District I've been yearning for!"

Asked if Town of Hempstead residents might not be a wee bit infuriated about having to cover School, Town and Special District taxes for the entire County, Town Attorney Joe Ra -- who will soon be designated as Commissioner (1 of 100 such Commissioners -- this week) of the Richie Kessel 'Cause I'm Big Enough To Be My Own District District -- had this to say: "Look, we increase taxes at the Town every year. Sometimes we call it a 'bond.' Other times, we up the tax and figure no one will notice those 'plus' signs on their tax statements. Maybe they're crosses. Its a religious thing. Folks pay good money for religion these days. Anyway, we pad a little here, fudge a little there, cut back a bit more on Code enforcement, zoning regulation, and street sign replacement, and, voila, they're paying $100,000 a year in property taxes, eating cat food, wearing the same dirty skivvies day in and day out, and loving every minute of it!"

Okay, but won't they eventually figure out that they've been had? "Hey," retorted Ra, "We screw our constituents royally, literally giving it to them by the numbers. The opposition discloses every foible, runaway mismanagement, nonexistent oversight, and millions of taxpayer dollars thrown out the window for postage, patronage and playing the public for patsies. Every paper in town -- save the Richner publications (thanks guys, that tax abatement for your new Garden City headquarters is on us) -- lambasts us and endorses the other guy, and still 96,146 residents (well, 146 were residents. The others were bused in from the New Orleans Superdome) voted for Kate Murray."

Sure, treat 'em like dirt and make 'em pay through the gills for it. They'd protest by the thousands on the Mall in D.C. Hold sit-ins at college campuses across the country. Why, in France, they'd burn every car with a Le Murray bumper sticker on it. But not in Hempstead Town. No siree. We take all they can dish out, then ask where we can send the check. [Please make checks payable to Donald X. Clavin, Jr., Receiver of Taxes. Cash may be dropped off at your local Sanitary District for distribution to the party faithful.]

96,000 some odd (mostly odd? Okay, face it, they're completely odd) voters cast ballots in Hempstead Town to keep the party going. Here's to the next 100 years, fellas.

"Do you think if we really try to ignore the problems that plague America's largest township, while continuing to pile on the taxes, feigning no 'control,' sending out those 8 1/2 by 11 glossies, and smiling for the cameras, we can get 100,000 votes next time?"

We wouldn't be at all surprised!

*Except in the Town of Hempstead, or where otherwise prohibited by the gross stupidity of its residents.


  1. Check out UPN Channel 9 tUESDAY NIGHT AT 10 THEY WILL HAVE SOMETHING ON THE SANITARY DISTRICTS. Just what? not even the reporter from channel 9 knows, since no one from the town was willing to talk and Kate said it wasn't her. The reporter didn't know who to ask about the waste so he called me, READ ME SOME NAMES UNTIL HE CAME ACROSS Joe Cairos Sons name. The reporter wanted to know," WHO IS IN CHARGE" Good question with no answer. I told him we just pay more because councilmen Anthony Santino tells anyone who will listen that we like it this way. This is how it has always been so shut up and take it. Sounds like the GOD FATHER. OH WELL MAYBE SOMEDAY THE TAX PAYERS IN THE TOH WILL WAKE UP TO THE ABUSE.


    Over the past several months, we've worked to start a meaningful conversation about the future of our town. I am deeply grateful for this opportunity and the help and hard work of so many over the course of this campaign.

    Thank you very much for believing in our effort and your support for this important campaign.

    We fought hard and came up short Tuesday night. We faced a well-funded incumbent and over a million and a half dollars of negative advertising against us - money that would have otherwise flooded battleground Legislative districts and threatened our ability to keep Nassau moving on the right track. But the issues we've raised in this campaign will continue, and will require leadership, innovation, and creativity to address.

    We talked about the town's crisis in affordable housing that threatens to drive our seniors and young people from our area. We raised the issue of dangerous illegal housing that threatens our neighborhoods and quality of life. We questioned the town's spending and high taxes, which are putting a strain on our working and middle class families. And we raised - for the first time - the need to cut unnecessary layers of government and modernize wasteful special districts.

    This campaign was never just about me as a candidate, and it is my sincere hope that real progress can be made in addressing these vital concerns for our town.

    In Hempstead we were unable to overcome 100 years of Republican control, but we should all be proud of taking the first steps towards a real debate about the future of our town. I believe that no one political party should ever be able to take our town for granted, and appreciate your help in building the long-term infrastructure for a true two party system in Hempstead.

    Again, thank you for your help and this opportunity.

    Harvey B. Levinson

  3. Thank you Harvey, this was the first time I really trusted someone in politicts, You listen to the tax payers and for the first time spoke about issues no one was willing to speak about. We will have to change in the near future, there is no way we the tax payers can go on with a town that is still back in 1905, Again thank you, keep in touch and keep up the good work.