After We "Out" The Cartoon Characters, Who's Next?
There he goes again. Dr. James Dobson, the fella who makes Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson look like left-wing radicals of the 60s, is taking his family "values" act on the road, preaching -- more like pontificating -- to all who would listen, the virtues of the "straight" and narrow-minded.
You remember James Dobson, don't you? If not, let us refresh your memory. Dobson, a psychologist by degree (they really do let anyone in, don't they?), is founder and chief spokesperson for Focus on the Family -- an organization "increasingly concerned" about the direction families in his America are headed. His is a ministry -- read as "cult" -- thinly veiled as the savior of all that is good and heavenly in our nation, advanced, of course, "by reasonable, biblical and empirical insights."
Now, if Dr. Dobson were just another evangelical blowhard, we'd shake our heads in disbelief, let out a soft sigh, and walk away. But no. Dr. Dobson was not content to merely attack our lost family values and heathen lifestyles from the bully pulpit. No sir. He had to go after one of America's most honored and favored pastimes -- the cartoon. And not just any cartoon, but that yellow and squishy absorbee who lives in a pineapple under the sea -- SpongeBob, SquarePants.
Ah, it all comes back to you now. Yes. Dr. James Dobson was the guy who outed SpongeBob, linking him in untold sexual (or was it asexual?) exploits with his often dumbfounded starfish pal, Patrick. [The Community Alliance has since learned that it was SpongeBob's pet, Gary -- the snail that meows like a cat -- who let the sponge out of the moist cello-wrap.]
The insinuation is, as freaky as it is fiendish, that cartoon characters somehow have sexual identities and preferences, and watching them in certain left-wing, pinko, commie cartoon videos will, in ways that only Freud understood, turn your children into homosexuals. [SEE, Will SpongeBob Make You Gay?]
Okay, it was nearly a year ago that Dobson went on his anti-sponge tirade, so we've had ample time to regroup and reflect. Now that the good doctor is besmearching SpongeBob's holey name and porous qualities on college campuses and at local laundromats, reflect we will.
So, SpongeBob is flaming, even at the bottom of the sea. But what of Bert and Ernie? We see those twin beds moving closer and closer by the day! Then there's Winkie Dink. Why, even his name says "Gay." Tell us how "Woody" Woodpecker got his name, and what to make of a Pink Panther. And how about Gumby? Let us tell you, they didn't call his sidekick "Pokey" for nothing!
Let's call a spade a spade, boys, and a gay blade a gay blade. Snaggle Puss - Gay. Elmer Fudd - Gay. Winnie the Pooh - Gay, and darn proud of it. Wile E. Coyote - Gay (and dumb, too. For all that money he spends on Acme products, he could buy dinner for the whole family at Peter Luger's)!
How interesting that human sexual characteristics are now ascribed to cartoon characters and two-dimensional stick figures, and how appropriate that these preposterous labels are affixed, in a manner which could barely pass the "straight-face" test, by, well, cartoon characters and two-dimensional stick figures masquerading as human beings.
Truly, our world needs more folks like Dr. James Dobson, if for no other reason than to remind us that birth control is a good thing. Certainly, we need no reminding that Big Bird, Barney and Popeye the Sailor Man (who had, we are told by cartoon historians, a wistful romp in the spinach patch with his arch rival, Brutus) are not members of our families - immediate or otherwise. They are, alas, mere cartoon characters - amorphous in the context of sexual preference.
Yes, if Donald and Daffy walk like ducks and squawk like ducks, they probably are ducks. As to their sexual preferences - or lack thereof - frankly, that's their business - a matter best left for dinner table discussion amongst Huey, Dewey and Louie (who, by the way, never hung out with the opposite sex, if you know what we mean).
Now, we don't know if Mickey Mouse is gay - although the no-shirt look and those red blousy shorts tell us he's a bit light in the pants. Personally, that's his business, not ours - or for that matter, Dr. Dobson's.
The draconian neocons, who thrive on telling us how to live our lives, seem to miss the very point that the SpongeBobs, Big Birds and Winnie the Poohs are so poignantly conveying to our children - that diversity and acceptance of our many differences are good things.
Of course, Dobson and his ilk fear diversity and difference. For variation debunks the "superman" myth (hey, didn't Superman wear tights?), and dissimilarity destroys their ill-conceived notions of a master race destined to control both mind and matter.
Sure, SpongeBob is decidedly gay. And the Tazmanian Devil is straight as an arrow. We ask you, which one would you rather have as part of your family?
So, what does any of this cartoon-bashing and Dobson-dribble have to do with our quality of life on Long Island. Well, nothing. Or everything. That's for you to decide, which, by the way, is precisely our point!
"Let's go, Patrick. Time to blow this popcorn shrimp stand..."