More Special Taxing Districts, PLEASE!

Blue Ribbon Commission Finds Buried Blueprints

The Governor wants to put the check on the special districts -- calls for a "commission."

The County Exec says we have too many layers of local government -- calls for funding of a "blueprint."

The Nassau County Comptroller and the Nassau County Assessor both say that the hundreds of special taxing districts are bleeding Long Islanders dry. [We reached them both for comment as they were driving Alan Hevesi home in their County cars.]

A study -- you know, the kind that keeps the Long Island Index in business -- shows we pay more but get less.

We say, bolderdash!

We're going about this all wrong, folks.

There's not a darn thing wrong with special districts but for the fact that we don't have enough of them.

Yes, you heard us correctly. We need MORE SPECIAL TAXING DISTRICTS.

In fact, according to the combined Blight/Special District study commissioned by The Community Alliance, as chaired by Hempstead Town Councilman Tony "they enjoy paying more" Santino, the only practical way to solve the myriad problems created by the special districts is to create a special district for every Long Island taxpayer.

Think about it.

Can't afford health insurance or life insurance? No problem. We set up a Special "illegal basement apartment" District, "elect" you as Commissioner, and, voila, you've got lifetime coverage. [In fact, we'll even cover you after you die!]

Haven't had a vacation in years? No problem.

You are annointed Commissioner of the Special "roll the dice" District, and off you go for two weeks in Vegas?

Car troubles? No problem.

As Commissioner of the Special "we need a race car for training purposes" District [and the Special "take your county car home over the weekend" District], you'll have cars on call 24/7. [Yes, you can wear the commissioner's hat in more than one district. The more the merrier! In fact, in the Town of Hempstead, its mandatory.]

Can't afford the house you live in? No problem.

Simply send your resume -- or voter registration card, if you are a Republican -- to Hempstead Town Supervisor, Kate Murray, and you can vie for the venerable position of Building Commissioner. [No, that's not a special district, but its still good work if you can get it!]

You see, as things stand now, only the few and the connected benefit from the hundreds of special taxing districts we have on Long Island.

True, some will be benefiting while doing time at Sing Sing or Green Haven, but that's a small price to pay for a lifetime of fleecing the taxpayers.

If only each of us had a special district to call our own, complete with pension credits and the occasional steak dinner at Mortons, who would we be to complain?

Special districts. If you can't eliminate 'em or consolidate 'em, get one of your very own!