Monday, June 15, 2009

All God's Children Go To Heaven

But No NYS Senators, Please!

What was that mother of invention again? Necessity? Ingenuity?

Well, chalk one up for a very clever -- or likely to be damned -- entrepreneur, who, quite literally, is selling space through the portal for a guaranteed spot in Heaven.

Yes, its one of those "Why didn't we think of that?" moments, as offers zealots and Pagans alike the opportunity to pass go, collect wings, and enter the pearly gates, no waiting in line and no questions asked.

From the website:

When the day of reckoning comes, you can be sure there will be a rush to get the good spots - SpotInHeaven provides you with the means to go direct to the head of queue and completely avoid any last minute worries or nagging doubts when you reach the Pearly Gates!

Yes, there's something for everyone at

Catholic? Sick of having to waste all of your valuable time at weekly Mass? What about the inconvenience of those nasty confessionals?
Jewish? Would you really like to enjoy those pork spare ribs totally guilt free? Want to stop wearing silly hats and have a shave at last?
Muslim? How much time could you save every day without those incessant prayer needs? Does Ramadan really get to you about lunchtime?
Pentecostal? What to cease giving up your hard earned cash every week? Bored with the constant singing and praising?
Buddhist? Tired of incessant early morning chanting and painful speech-free sabbaticals and living your life through a set of philosophies that explain away everything in life?
Hindu? Annoyed at hiding the cravings when all you want is a big, fat, juicy steak dinner? And how about that unfair caste system that allegedly lays out your place in the afterlife?
Scientologist? Never hurt to have an each-way bet did it - just in case good ole L. Ron Hubbard had it all wrong? Want a better option than having to spend all of eternity with Tom Cruise?
Dyslexic Agnostic? So over lying awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog? Prefer to beat the nagging doubt with 100% certainty?
Atheist? Well don't you dare say we didn't tell you so and give you every opportunity to make things right!

We wish we could say we made this stuff up, folks, but somebody got to it before us!

So, next time you're in church and they pass the plate, or in synagogue and someone asks for a donation, just say, "No thanks. I'm already in!"

We understand that spots in Heaven will be available soon, on a first come, first reserved basis, only online, never at Telecharge or Ticketmaster. Why take a chance? Sign up today!

Folks, you gotta love it, especially the unconditional money back guarantee.

As for our bedeviled NYS Senators, who are apparently bent on creating a little bit of Hell on earth for each of us, well, there's a place for them to --

Sure, you'd never think of signing yourself up for that one, right?

But Pedro Espada or Hiram Monserrate? Why not? Go right ahead. Put the fear of God -- or the Devil -- in every one of those bastards!

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