Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Going Rogue In Hempstead Town

NEWS FLASH! If Re-Elected, Murray To Resign Supervisor's Post
Will Seek Governor's Seat -- In Alaska

Move over, Sarah Palin!

You're not the only one to quit while in office (or, for that matter, to pen a 400 page book, in less than four months, when it takes you twice that long just to read the front page of the Anchorage Daily News -- even if its blank).

By gosh, you've got nothing (well, maybe those waders) on Hempstead Town's Kate Murray.

Nope. Kate, sans book (she's working on it, Idiot's Guide To Publishing seen on her 4th floor office desk at Town Hall), is taking a cue from her mentor, Joe "Kate, I am your father" Mondello (you know, the fella who brought us Tom Gulotta), and will, should she be returned to office this November, quit her day job as Town Supervisor to seek higher office.

Yes, we have it on good word from GOP sources close -- or about as close as one could get -- to Kate Murray. She's just running because Mondello knows she can get re-elected, easily. With mission accomplished, Kate, following the precedent set by almost every past Supervisor, will be sworn in (so she can collect her pension for time served), and then promptly resign to run for Governor -- of Alaska. [Kate will simultaneously be appointed by the Town Board to serve as a clerk in the Town Attorney's office, drawing a salary of $150,000.]

Why Alaska?

Well, when pressed, the Town's Director of Misinformation, Mike Deery, had this to say: "Kate loves the great outdoors. Trapping. Hunting. Catching wild salmon with her bare teeth. And besides, once the Islanders leave Long Island, she has plans to lure the team north. Way north. As in, 'I can see Russia from my house' north."

The Community Alliance caught up with Kate as she rushed out of the Coliseum (Deli), triple-decker sandwich in hand.

"Is it true, Kate?" We asked. "Are you quitting to run for Governor of Alaska?"

"It is absolutely not true," she shot back. "I am not a quitter. I'm simply exploring other ways to serve the people."

Right. Serve the people.

"Have you considered a waitress position at the Coliseum Deli?," we asked, half in jest.

"Oh, I just love the Coliseum (Deli)," said Kate. "In fact, that's what I keep telling Charles Wang and his wacky Islander fans. The Coliseum (Deli) absolutely rocks! And my Zoning Board, bless their little souls, just approved a variance to expand this place. They love the Coliseum (Deli), too. Woo hoo! Oh, would you like a bite of this sandwich? Sorry about splattering the mustard on your tie. My bad..."

Meanwhile, back in Hempstead Town, Kate's Democratic Challenger, Kristen McElroy -- who, from all disappearances, is still running for State Senate -- now has a campaign manager (she waited till now?), one Joe Conte, Islander fan extraordinaire, age 24, who, having majored in Poli Sci, now rushes in where only fools would dare to go, making his first foray (the words, sacrificial lamb, coming quickly to mind) into Long Island politics.

Joe (Conte, not Mondello), you may recall, is the guy Joe (Mondello, not Conte) yelled at -- "Go blow it out your dufflebag" -- at a Kate Murray rally. You go Joe! [Either one.]

Perhaps out from that dufflebag will pour the KRISTEN McELROY FOR SUPERVISOR lawn signs, bumper stickers, TV and radio spots, millions of dollars for the war chest, and, well whatdoyaknow, Kristen McElroy (the stealth candidate) herself.

And elsewhere in Nassau County?

Check out Chris Browne, GOP candidate (and current member of the Town of Hempstead Zoning Board -- also known as The Dead End Kids) for County Legislature, whose lawn signs have been popping up all over the district, including sections that are predominantly Jewish.

So? What's wrong with that?

Nothing. Just that the signs read, ELECT CHRISTIAN BROWNE, for Christ's sake! Way to corral the Jewish vote, Chris. [And how's Rihanna doing, by the way?]

Anyway, back to Murray.

Here's the quandary. For those who want to rid the Town of Hempstead of she of many Murraygrams, do they vote for McElroy, sending Kate back to Levittown (where she could build herself a McMansion out of that Levitt cape)? Or, do they vote for Kate, understanding (wink, wink) that she will quit come January, pack her dufflebag, and head off to that other land that time forgot (as John McCain wish he could), Alaska?

Tough call. If only we could convince Sarah Palin to take the job.

Wait a minute. There is always the write-in vote, isn't there? Worked for Chris Browne on the Conservative line, didn't it?


Really. Could it be any worse than what we've got now? And why not a Bridge to Nowhere for Hempstead Town? -- with Victorian-style street lamps, of course.

Postscript: Sarah Palin's book, Going Rogue, comes out in November. It is expected to be translated into English sometime in 2010.

1 comment:

  1. Love the idea! I'm thinking we trade Kate Murray to Alaska along with a future Islander draft pick and ten tickets to the "Festival by the Sea", in exchange for Sarah Palin and a used snowmobile....