Will Town Taxpayers Be Tethered To Ballooning Tax Hike?
Just when you thought that, not everything in the world could possibly revolve around or emanate from Hempstead Town Hall, comes word from the Sheriff's Department in Larimer County, Colorado.
"It was a conspiracy of gargantuan proportion," said Sheriff Jim Alderden. "At first, we thought the hoax was geared toward some kind of ploy to get a reality TV show. Then, while dragging the balloon across the Colorado plains, we discovered the truth."
And just what was "the truth?"
Well, hundreds of Elk, each sporting NY Islander jerseys and reading the latest Murraygram, gave rise to speculation that Town of Hempstead officials might be involved in this sordid scheme.
"You see," explained Sheriff Alderden, "the Heenes were originally contacted by Mike Deery, Town of Hempstead's Director of Misinformation, with a request to use the weather balloon as a campaign dirigible, the idea being to drop thousands of self-lauding Murraygrams over the villages and hamlets of Hempstead Town. Then the wind shifted to the west, and, well, as they say, the rest is history."
Senior Hempstead Town Councilman, Tony "they enjoy paying more" Santino, speaking on behalf of Deery, denied the allegations, emphatically.
"Its simply not true," said Santino, sticking his head out from behind a life size mock-up of the Heene balloon, upon which were emblazoned the words, "Trusted on Main Street."
"We were just trying to publicize our new reality show, Supervisor Swap!"
Others, however, were convinced that Kate Murray, herself often mistaken for a weather balloon -- or that Michelin guy (or was it the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man?) -- was behind the hoax, this in a last ditch effort to divert the attention of Hempstead Town residents from the more pressing issues of property taxes, inept planning, haphazard zoning, and that dreaded Lighthouse Project.
According to Nassau County Executive, Tom Suozzi, the thousands of Murraygrams found in the box that dropped from the balloon shortly before its decent were dead giveaways.
"Who does Kate think she's fooling?," asked Suozzi at an impromptu news conference held outside the Nassau Coliseum. "This is classic Kate. She envisions herself as a new age Wizard of Oz, which, now that I think of it, probably had something to do with her strange skin color, oddly shaped hat, and that ride-into-town on a broomstick, at the kickoff of Green Levittown. [Nah, Tom. That greenified look was simply the mold from Archstone!]
The scuttlebutt around the town is that Murray had long planned to fly the balloon over Hempstead Town, dislodging Murraygrams, those ignoble, tri-colored, photogenically-shopped campaign pieces, shouting epitaphs at Islander fans, and touching down in the Hempstead Plains, proclaiming herself, before an adoring crowd of Munchkins (aka followers of Town Attorney, Joe Ra), as The Wonderful Wizard of Odd.
"She conspired with the boy, Falcon Heene," revealed Sheriff Alderden, "to commandeer the balloon, and to fly it due east to Long Island. Unfortunately, the prevailing winds shifted, and her navigator, Wrong Way Cullen (not affiliated with Angie's List), dropped her compass somewhere east by northeast of Fort Collins."
The Community Alliance has learned that Falcon Heene, whose real name is Arthur, was given the code name, "Falcon", by Kate Murray's operatives. "Kate goes by 'vulture,'" said a Murray aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. "'Falcon' seemed appropriate."
Reached for comment at the Town's animal shelter, Murray remained resolute in denial. "I absolutely had nothing to do with the balloon hoax," said the Supervisor, summoning to her side what appeared to be a flying monkey. [No wait. Its only Joe Mondello. Never mind.]
"Besides," Murray continued, "I don't know how to work those things."
Showing her true vindictive nature, Murray raised her fist, flung a feral cat across the room, and screeched, "I'll get those misogynist scarecrows who want to pin this hoax on me. And their little dogs, too!"
Meanwhile, back at Hempstead Town Hall, Receiver of Taxes, Don Clavin, was making preparations to convert the Town's EZ-Pay Drive Thru Window to a fly-thru window, one that takes the EZ-Pass.
"We have to come up with some creative way for Town residents to foot the bill for this fiasco," exclaimed Clavin.
"Its either this," laughed Clavin, "or a Special 'Hot Air Balloon' District."
The Community Alliance will continue to follow the unfolding saga of the balloon boy hoax, or, as we know it here in Hempstead Town, Flight of the Vulture -- The Kate Murray Story.